If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
