I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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