Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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