she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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