last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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