2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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