Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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