Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
