im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
