you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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