Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
