Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
