Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
