Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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