If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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