So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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