a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
