Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
