I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
