it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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