Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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