i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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