There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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