Umm I'm too high to move.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
