I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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