I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I understand Curling. That high.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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