:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
