life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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