hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
