Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
