i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
