last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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