I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
