I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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