True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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