I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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