Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
