i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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