dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
