my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I want her autograph on my taint
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
