just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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