I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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