My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
