you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
