Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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