your parents love me but you hate me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
