dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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