I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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