You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
