would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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