Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
