I hate your face
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
