at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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