his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
