I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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