: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
