why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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