you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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