do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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