12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
